Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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