'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
