Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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