I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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