I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
