The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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