Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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