I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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