Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
