forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
