We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Randomize
