I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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