I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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