omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
