Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
