you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Randomize