I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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