I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You need a sexual gate keeper
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
