When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Randomize
