Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
