So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You need a sexual gate keeper
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
