i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
