apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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