apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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