I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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