i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
