Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i came on her dog
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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