I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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