I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I see more hoeing in ur future
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
