I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Randomize
