I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
