he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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