Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
