I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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