I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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