textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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