i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
