Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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