I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
