im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
