I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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