I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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