I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
How does one acquire holy water?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
