i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
