Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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