Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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