Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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