i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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