u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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