You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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