My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
