Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
