atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
