On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
