It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Green mimosas i think yes
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
