I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
